Choke Choke THROW UP!

So this is life? I never quite imagined how powerful it would be. I suppose any type of energy has a supreme built in power. I've been battling one of the worst things in life:
Apathy. It's almost shameful to feel this way. To lose one's passion is however an unrelenting extension of life. Everybody feels this way from time to time. I don't think anyone understands why. How could you? If you feel the grip of apathy on your life, than you don't have the will to figure it all out. Maybe that is the biggest and most telling about the way the world operates. You know if you feel like what you do isn't important doesn't make any kind of difference, well than you would right. One person can not make a difference. But it is my overwhelming opinion that a group of people with combined will and intent can get anything done. However having the will power to do anything is the first step into making what you want real. I don't have that today. I am a mirror of what is wrong in the world. And for that my self loathing ability has at least tripled if not more. I feel like damn. This is the feeling that allows really bad things to take place of the good things we should be helping each other focus on. Just about anything could happen today that was negative and I know i could shrug it off to the awful hand I've been dealt. I think feeling this way is more horrible for people with my unique air. I think that because we know that we are contributing to a problem that would release us from MOST of life's most dodgey problems and what does an "enlightened" gurl do? She sits here and shrugs her shoulders wishing that life wasn't such a cesspool of negativity. And the really worst part is I know by feeling and acting such a way I'm doing nothing to solve the rift in my own thinking. *sigh* I feel lost today. And I'm hoping not a thing happens to compound the lousy feeling. I'm usually not so lucky. But we shall see.

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Choke Choke THROW UP!

Oh my goodness!! I have had a really bad flu for the past few days. And with every summer, I get sick to my stomach to go out in the heat!! It's like being out in the heat makes me SUPER sick!! I can't go out for 5 minutes or more and not come back in and NOT throw up. ARRRRRRRGH!!! I absolutely completely HATE the mother fucking summer!!! All it does is make me sick. I think I get the flu...not a cold the REAL flu a few times a year but this time it is just stoopid!!! Cause on top of this, I am having some major motion sickness more induced by heat...but aggarvated by motion. *SIGH* I haven't been able to keep writing to say the least. I have felt sick sick sick since probably the last time or maybe a lil before I put in my last post. I'm soooo behind. YIKES!

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Revolutionize YourSelf

I'm sitting here contemplating more than I have in a while. It is true I've taken up the research and art of magick for the real first time in my whole life. I have always been intrigued--hell nearly in love with the idea of magick. It is sexy. It is rebellious. It is in all things. When I see a christian praying....I see it as absolutely no different than a pagan ritual begging for a higher power...to intervene and help. If you look at a puzzle of this reality that is very much as it is.

I love my life. I love the people in it. But often it takes more than a deep breathe to get through EVERYTHING and not want to bitch slap most everyone in my way everyday.

Being spiritual takes that urge to beat the hell out of someone and gives it rhyme and reason. I look everyday to the stars and wonder why things have to be this way. Why does EVERY little thing HAVE to be so complicated. I can't say I very well understand.

And I can't say I ever will. Sometimes in life the best and most and GREATEST thing you can do is admit you don't know. People who profess to ALWAYS know what everything is and how it works, are the ones that get the hardest when an alternate truth is found to be true.

It is people with their closed minds yapping that make the world a more forbidding place.

My parents.

I remember a time when they were I suppose to sum it up "YOUNG". They were open to new ideas, experiences, just about anything.

At the age both my folks are at now (which isn't very old by todays standards of how long exactly a life span COULD BE) they shouldn't be so alone and closed off. You can't talk to my dad about anything. He is unwilling to listen to anyone but himself these days. When if you see how he chooses to to filter information through his own brain you'd begin to wonder. Some days I think he truly does have some form of dementia. Others, I think he does it to himself. I think in order to NOT deal with any form of reality he acts simply like the reality doesn't exist. It has to be that. I mean most the time he claims not to even remember the house I grew up in. What it looked like. How my nanny had plants arranged in front of our house...something that only changed when we moved out. Than at his convience he remembers more than me about certain details.

I admit a lot of baaaad memories exist on the Fontana Street. But a lot of good ones too. Their is dual nature in everything in life. So you can't expect it to always be nice all the time. And if you think life is easy, than I'd like to know what reality you live in. Life is hard. You could Paris Hilton, and there would still be things that are totally out of order that make you want to pull out ALL your hair and scream.

Some people think that money--an infinite supply of it would make their lives easier. I've heard this echoed in a million things either directly or indirectly my parents have barked out at the hardest of life's moments. Like money would be their salvation to a better life. I think if they were handed any leperchuan's pot of gold...they'd find plenty of NEW and IMPROVED reasons to stay miserable.

I suppose one of the key things in this life I absolutely do not understand have to do with choice.

Life is a choice.

You either choose to have a good time despite everything.

Or you CHOOSE to be pissed off at the hand fate has given you.

I learned an incredibly bad habit from my own parents. And that was to be pissed off that EVERYTHING was so damn hard. They taught me that love is only expressed in material goods. If I'm loved then people that profess to love me will shower me with gifts. If someone needs to make up for a really bad mistake...than I should get something materialistic I've been wanting.

There have been plenty of jokes about how this materialism works in the world. But it isn't a joke when you're a kid and you think that is how the world spins. Love is equal to what you can give someone. TO ME...sitting in this chair in 2007 that idea is laughable. And even crazy. I could say archaic as well, however I don't think it even has place in old wisdom.

I think OLD wisdom always saw the big flaw in materialistic thinking. I can't say that there a billion things I want. Like in the movie Mr. Deeds (the one with Adam Sandler) there was so much bestowed so very suddenly on an average joe. My family, if not all...MOST of it thinks where that to happen to them.....WELL all of the problems they see will disappear.

My parents being the very people who first taught me you can only show love by what your money can buy somebody...well they won't adhere to any other way of thinking. I know deep down that is why both of them feel depressed most the time. I'm not saying that it is ALWAYS the reason for them feeling bad. But I am saying that is one of the key reasons.

My dad feels sad and torn that he can't shower my mom with the love she deserves which in turn means all those lil material things she wants most.

My mom is sad for that. She feels that she is the "WOMAN" and my dad as the "MAN" should be able to provide her with a lifestyle of luxury and comfort. Now my mom will be the first to say that her life has never been luxurious or comfortable. But I guess the effort is mostly what she wants.

And I laugh when she eludes to such things. I think my life as a kid when my parents were running through money quicker than they could earn it.........WELL......they had it better than so many. Maybe they weren't even then UPPER MIDDLE CLASS. But they were definitely MIDDLE-MIDDLE CLASS. I mean as a young girl I don't remember tv without cable or VCRs. I do remember us having an old rotary phone...but it was quickly replaced by this overly high tech piece of crap that I'm sure cost an arm and a leg (though probably was made for like 10 bucks in indonesia)....but hell the positive I think I can remember bout that hunk-o-junk was its answering machine scared off many school officials calling to discuss my status that was growing on even Downey High's List of the emotionally disturbed.

I can look back and see so much good stuff. My parents look back and see pain. I can't tell you what specifically it is that makes them feel that pain. Whether it is the complete memory of how it was, and how they screwed it all up. OR it is just the whole wishing for what one doesn't have. Some would contend that it is harder having something available that is exclusive, then having it taken away forever.

Like the entire garden of eden scenario. We had paradise then curiousity had it taken away from us. There is a lesson to be learned. But I don't think it is the OBVIOUS one you'd think. You look at the story and when I was younger the first image was the old saying "Curiousity Killed The Cat". Standing from my current view point such things make me laugh.

Once it was believed that the bible itself was to be taken literally. Actually not until a few years ago when the Da Vinci Code came out did people begin to look at the hidden meanings of things like the bible. Before they were absolutely infalliable truths. Now suddenly life was different. If the masses were no longer adhering to what the those who want the truth to be hidden to believe...and the warnings left for us in old sayings and wives tales...what on earth is going to happen?

For now not a damn thing. And people like my mom and dad though, they're the reason. As long as their are people on this planet who are completely unwilling to see the truth because they ONLY have room for what they have known to be true for over lifetime. Their open minds have been sealed shut by time and their age.

There are always certain things to keep us people in line. Especially when we're about ready to expell the old ways of being. The powers that allow the us to believe whatever it is they want or need us to believe only relent when they see they can't win. So they best head into where ever the changing wind is going. And that way they can continue to manipulate it all and keep their power structure in charge.
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There are waaaay more of us poor helpless folk than the rich elite. OF course though if the elite equaled us in numbers, they would hardly be elite. So you gotta figure why we give the rich all the power. I don't have any idea myself. But can there be any kind of truly democratic society in the world anymore?? Or hell EVER?? I'd like to know how us as a people can be organized and just. Or does the entire idea in point defeat itself. People disagree. People fight over stupid petty things. And we see difference as a bad thing. I don't understand how with all that (and so much that is TOO much to write) the human race will ever be able to properly govern itself. Anarchy doesn't work either. If there are NO rules to which people must adhere to, well life wouldn't be any better. But it is not the lesser of two evils. BOTH are equal to each other.

People like my folks don't understand OR like change. I can't say I rightly do very much either. I am stuck in a reality of normality and when I see a different expression of anything I am drawn to it. But my programing makes my immediate reaction so horrifying to me in every retrospective memory I want to hide. Me to have acted like that. It feels shameful. But I've been trained FOREVER to have that attitude. And it is very hard to break out of the norms. And the NORMS are what is holding this world together. But I'm just waiting for somebody to come up with a better idea. There is no order that can be drawn upon humanity that will not be oppressive in nature.

Democracy can claim ALL it wants to for freedom. But the democracy I have seen in this world is a farce. Sometimes I think the whole ROMAN REPUBLIC way of governing is some of the purest I've seen. But everything having to do with the human experience is tainted. Maybe its true. We are NOTHING more than a concotion of alien DNA experimentation and this is why we are so easily ruled over. Most of us have been bred like dogs to exhibit certain things that make us more useful to the higher entities. I don't rightly know any of this personally. I just know for a really EXTREMELY odd reason this kind of crap has been falling into my lap. It scares me. YET makes me think.

Neil was the first person to say anything THAT subversive to me. And I had a moderately sane reaction to it. It was on like our second date and he felt free enough around me to mention how he feels and the way he thinks. On one level it was wonderful to know he had immediate feeling of love and trust for me. ON THE OTHER....I wasn't ready to believe any of this. And when he told me the explicit nature of what he believed I brushed it under my bed hoping it wouldn't ever come up again. And filed it under the folder of "QUIRKS" when it came to Neil.

For the first entire year Neil and I spent as a couple the whole idea of life being manipulated, controlled, and contrived never came up all that often. And when it did...I could once again file it under the folder of quirks. And then I began to get SOOO annoyed with Neil. It was like he felt everything in life was a conspiracy. It isn't. It couldn't possibly be. The level of organization needed would be TOO great. So I was now getting irritated but managing to shove it out of my head. THEN in May 2007 weird things began not adding up from the conventional way I had been programmed to think.

First off, my dad went off his rocker in anger and acted out on me. This in and of itself is not strange in the least. HOWEVER......this was a trigger for a lot of soul searching and an inevitible shift. Everyone needs something to push them into change. I know for years my ex wanted me to change but I didn't and was not really trying no matter how I claimed I was. Why should I when I don't see exactly there being anything wrong????? Then this whole argument with my dad happened like so many times before. The problem was I realized how wrong I was. My dad was wrong in how he acted. But in some sense I was a lot more wrong in my reaction.

Our reactions don't make us slaves to their will. It is quite the other way around. The whole month of may while arguing and petty behavior ensued between me and my parents I began to see it from a different perspective. I could think ALL I wanted about what they were saying--what they were doing. But I can't think for one moment I was any different nor better. If you're gonna call someone out, for you to feel superior or just better.....ONE should always check to ensure their own hands are clean.

And I couldn't see my hands being clean!!! I was tainted by the emotions of the world that make life harder and awful. And within that second that I began to see the truth of the petty things happening and going back and forth between my parents and I---a lightening strike of change hit me.

The change didn't happen all at once. It has been gradual. I still am in the process into leading a better more fulfilling life. But to be more honest than ever, I know that I can't ever be mad at ANY single person's actions, choices, reactions....when my own are of the same caliber of lowness.

So to bring us full circle is this. When I get angry that my parents are so FOCUSED on money and the ideals that one can not be happy without presenting love in a material way.....I have to know they are that way...they think that way due to the experiences they have endured in their lifetime. Parents don't out rightly deserve respect for bringing babies onto this earth. But older, wiser people...even if they seem like closed minded village idiots...well they have something to offer the next generation.

I'm 26 now. And I'm no longer apart of the "younger" generation. MY generation is mostly creating the world we know today. The slackers of the 90s are now obsessively creating this era. And showing that slacking is not all they do best. I was born in 81. The last year the generation of slackers were born into. So I don't always get why people of my age bracket are considered lazy and stuff. Mostly cause it was never the strongest part of my way. I have skipped school, went semesters without doing homework...not worked...etc etc but when I do find anything that I like to do slacking is the last thing I put effort in. I put every inch of my being INTO creating and molding whatever it may I need to do--to make my vision come into fruitution.

I love life. And I'd like to very much let you know one thing..........

I am a revolution. I'm not APART of one. Look at the words carefully:





If you look at it carefully you see what I mean RIGHT OFF. I am not a part of a concious revolution. But actually a very private personal one within my own head. I battle the preprogramming that comes with my every more EVERY day. And I try to remember my key saying....which is the one above. If I can remember that I'm on my OWN path of personal growth.....WELL I can win.

Winning the war (so to speak) on anything and everything negative in the world is something that can only be done if the people of the world conciously choose to rearrange the way they think. I know am. And thusly am doing a great service to humanity.

Some people who are graced with old age (like my parents) They can not see the good in the world anymore. Makes me wonder if they ever saw it to begin with. But we'll for the sake of argument agree at some point there was a twinkle of positivity inside them both.

Life is what you make it. Life is nothing but a series of choices and their consequences. Life is the relationships you choose to take into your heart. Life is a series of experiences.............

All of this true. I pose you this question....

What is true for you?

-D

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Arrrrrgh Me Harteys

www.myspace.com/daniellethepixi

Early Afternoon of learning =)

I just got done with my daily dose of Magickal Learning. And guess what?? I have homework!! I'm supposed to pick an area of Magick that I want to know more about and study it from top to bottom. I have 23 days to come up with a great research product. I suppose if you know anything about the craft, you'll learn that RIGHT OFF...the part of magick I will be most obviously drawn to is Feri Magick. Which refers fo course to fairies. So I'm off to discover through the glory of the internet exactly what why where and how this is.

Apart from EVERYTHING else? I'm doing good. Life isn't SOO, SOO bad. But of course is it ever? You know how that goes. I'm going to relax for a while before diving into my research project!!

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When I was born I was meant to be a writer. I mean that seriously. When I was a girl of 2 or 3 I loved being read to. But I didn't love HEARING the stories as much (and I did love it!!!) as looking at the pictures of a simple book that I couldn't read....and I made up my OWN story.

All through school I was an unusually talented writer. Teachers were one of after the other trying to get me to focus and stop letting my emotions run my life. I had more than a few teachers realize the reason I never went to school hardly, was cause the whole teenage judgmental society frightened me to death. But I might have come out of that all easier if my folks hadn't uprooted me at 14 like three times in one year. See, I hated the back stabbing. I hated the exploration of unknown emotional territory that came with being a teenager. I hated the lessons everyone has to learn. But now, this overly sensitive young girl had a disaster happen.

When I had to change schools the first time--Downey High to Chaffey High. OMG I can't even tell you what a wreck I was. I was in a city I barely knew had EVER existed, going to one of the most densely populated and not ethnically diverse schools in California. I mean most the time I was the only white girl to a class. That really really really intimidated me. I'm not racist (HAH how could I be???) but as a teenager, the leeches scavenge everything to detect weakness so they can laugh at you being miserable. So if those who knew me when we lived in Downey thought I skipped school??????????? You didn't see anything till you saw my one time or possibly two day school week I had begun.

And skipping THAT many days, I don't know HOW the hell I did it...but I had all As and one C in math (a class I mostly got a D in). But in between semesters I was off to a new school again in Upland. I think I hated that school EVEN MORE than Chaffey High. Why? The kids there were rich. That might seem like a lame possibly stupid reason to hate school. But if you have EVER consistently had to be around whiny suburban brats....who think they're hard core and could be Eminem & 50cents best friend. Plus they think life is over cause instead of Mercedes they'd been riding in that their friend that they don't like well has. Daddy bought them a BMW....well...I still don't like to think about the way those people treated me cause I was in clothes from walmart. I was lucky they weren't thrift shop clothes!!! My parents had become financially ruined. I didn't need to make EVERYTHING harder by crying about my "generic" stuff (but I probably did anyway).

Well, while doing time at Upland High....something happened. Something tremendously great actually. At Chaffey I was in a pre-journalism class. Well they didn't have that at Upland so they THREW me onto the school paper. I felt oh great I'm gonna suck compared to the way these kids must write. Mostly cause they had been writing like that for a real long time. At that school you had to take a prep class, and then the teacher would "consider" it. Sophomores and Freshman rarely if EVER got to be on the paper without "audition of skill".

I think the teacher wasn't happy that they had stuck me in their either.

I had spent my whole life thinking about being a writer. Maybe a little bit of poetry. But what I want most is to write short stories. And its always been that way. Cause of my Gemini-ness it would be an effort in futility to try to write anything long and drawn out until I feel capable.

Well day after day I go to journalism. I write in the class I do homework for it.

I swear on everything I care for, on a daily basis the hard staunch English/history teacher complained that the class was writing more like middle schoolers than college prep. And then there was an exception. Everyone began to roll their eyes and hiss at me EVERYTIME this teacher berated them....it ended with something like this:

-----"However there was one exception. Miss Jorgenson got it right off---" Then he'd really embarrass the fuck out of me and pass out copies of my story cause the rest of the class should write more like me he contended EVERY DAY.

Now, as one can imagine these kids all ready looked down on me. How do people react when someone they look down upon has a speck of anything BETTER than them??????? Yeah I began actually also skipping Journalism to summarize what happened.

But it wasn't just the teasing.....it was something else too. I HATED WRITING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG every time I wrote a paper I felt in my head there were a billion ways of making this a more interesting story. But probably ONLY cause it was a paper where everyone would know what was true and not...I painfully typed for a lot of assignments.

So the good thing that came from this experience was simply this....I learned that my imagination runs my mind. And I feel claustrophobic when anything on the plane of existence is confining my creative mind even in the slightest. Which is STILL, what I think journalism does to me when I write it!! But the other super lesson was this, I do have an incredible gift for writing. Sometimes when I'm writing...I'll use words and I don't know what they mean so I check it out. It's like the word, though I just thought it "sounded good" and knew nothing about what it meant...and the word fits like a glove in the picture I'm expressing through my thoughts. It is totally one thing when you're a cute lil kid for people to say you're a good poet or whatever. It is a lot different when you're 15-16 and the higher you go in school...the English/creative writing teachers are trying to get me to make something out of that wonderful gift.

But yah, we all know what happened instead! I even gave up writing for a long long stretch. I'd write something and feel it was hollow and offered nothing of substance. But I was reading a lot of Young Adult Fiction....so I was still feeding my imagination.

I think personally what happened was my depression caused by a mryiad of things (boyfriend at the time--who was using me for anything and everything--and thought I acted like I was too dumb to realize...I did (and that makes it worse I think), my mom being so sick, family drama, and realizing that I was in fact a "responsible adult." So I put down the symbolic pen for I think it was at least five years. Somehow, someway a change up in men is what the psychiatrist should have been ordering up for me. Cause once I was able to banish him out of life...everything began looking UP.

I am ultimately responsible for the choices I make. So I have learned to not make ANYMORE excuses, not ever. When a lot of people think I'm making excuses--I'm really explaining what, where, how, and the why from my own point of view. Neil became my best friend. Not cause him and I mostly like to lead solitary lives and a billion OTHER Things that make is SUPER combatible...but he taught me life's greatest lesson. Ownership. I can't blame my now on anything except the choices I've made. Like most people, I've probably told everyone I've ever known that I was sorry. Only after the last six months have been able to say sorry for any transgression...and not twist it into someone elses fault. Making me not sorry at all and mad at something somoeone didn't do. For Example, lets say my mom has had a bad day and she is a lil more than saucey about me washing my dishes. I have a lot of choices on how to react. And just cause she was mean to me first, well that certainly doesn't make it okay. Six Months ago if that situation above would have happened....I'd have been calling my mom out and screaming so loud. But I think (provided I'm not in the most desperate pain) my reaction would be somewhere along the lines of...."Oh I'm sorry mom. I forgot and I'll take care of it right now"

That is a major shift in my temper. I still have HUGELY unbearable days. But I'm starting bit by lil microscopic bit to change me. I've all ready changed massively. And I suspect I'll always be changing one thing or another till I go on from this place.

I got so heavily into negativity, that has been the only real threat to my relationship with Neil. Basically I was given an unspoken ultimatum. I knew just as well as Neil that we were not going to be able to live out our parallel paths together if I was so angry all the time. I look at it. I never saw myself as a severely angry person before Neil. And now I see it all too clear! The most hideous part is I don't have any clue what the hell it is that makes me a negatively angry spirit. But then I began seeing Cause and Effect. And most of all the most major "COMMON DENOMITOR"--ME. And its easy to see why. But through his infinite patience, honest and true love...you can actually begin to see the new updated version of Danielle Marie Jorgenson I've become.

I didn't sleep for like 4 days in row. And I just felt unfulfilled. I felt bored cause my companion has so much to do he's not home unless he needs to sleep. I started massively searching for soemthing for four days. And I was not going to rest till I cam to a solid conclusion on what I need to do keep on this path and be happy.

Then I had said well I need to get a job. And I spent the entire last night up lining up possibilities. Mostly openings for like appt. Setters and things was on my short list.

I found this add. This curious lil ad about "home working" I know the majority of home business CRAP is bull. So I was skeptical. So the less obvious details I researched. And found out these are absolutely true!! I wrote the guy and expressed interest. He told me what he had to teach would be the MOST valuable information I'll ever get if I want to stay at home. He said however, for a price. ANd I rolled my eyes and was like OKAY. But I kept going back to that ad. ANd it was like drawing me into it. After being obsessed with it for hours I made the decision to just send him the 13 dollars. I rationalized that 13 dollars isn't worth robbing me through paypal. As soon as I did that I was sleepy. And a few hours passed....and fell asleep more easily than on a normal good night of sleep.

I woke up this morning scared that my intuition is BS and I should listen to logic more. When I downlaoded what he had sent to me I thought at first looking upon it---HE is one of them. But I kept reading. And um, these places are absolutely real. What he gave me was a guide to earn extra income by doing free-lance types of work doing data entry. And he will never get anything from sharing that with me. And now I was interested and realized....my dusty and rusting dream of being a writer.....

The booklet also tells you how to get published. Not like just for a book...but articles and even a writers sort of myspace site where the people how belong all vote for competition type winners. I can't tell you how this had made my heart jump out of my chest. It did a jig and then screamed at an effigy of ANYONE and EVERYONE that doubted me "IN YOUR FACE EFFIGY!!!"

My imagination and creativity have been priming for this to happen. Cause I hadn't constantly thought about being a "WRITER" in son long. And I definitely believed it was impossible.

And through some weird, absurdly twist of duel natured fate....I know have the starting point to jump into my dreams....and live what has been a fantasy my entire existence.

I AM THE JESTER OF LIVING IN A FANTASY INNER WORLD INSIDE MY HEAD.

I AM THE PRINCESS OF BLAMING OTHERS FOR MY OWN CHOICES TO MAKE COPING WITH MISTAKES EASIER FOR ME.

I AM THE QUEEN OF RUNNING AWAY WHEN THINGS GET TOO COMPLICATED, HARD, "NORMAL".

BUT THE FACT THAT I CAN CHANGE ALL OF THIS, MAKES ME A LIVING GODDESS!!

But within all that I'm Danielle Marie Jorgenson. Who's all ready been published as D.M. Jorgenson.

Maybe Disney wasn't that off at all, "A dream is a wish your heart makes"